A glass placed unto my mind resounds nothing. As thoughts folly away, tearing at their sheets, at themselves, at their bedfellows. They curse their Earth, an ample voice. Only then does that glass shake, and vibrate. Crack, and shatter.
Overslept today! It felt good to get some extra sleep, though. I was absorbed in a volley of dreams; can't recall them all too well. The heat is annoying but it's been getting cooler, & the sun is starting to release the clouds from its reign over the skies. Now, the clouds rain! Its refreshing & nice to listen to inside, whenever I let myself away from headsets and earbuds. Just knowing its there is more than enough for me. Sometimes, I feel twinkles of wet let in from the open windows, other times its the cool air from my fans. A feeling at the tips of my hair, looking out the parts in the blinds... Rain is my favorite company, it can be my only company! Exempt for a time, the thought of moving hasn't not been accompanied with the thought of its climate. I don't ever want to go someplace it doesn't rain frequently. The weather is nice where I am; the East Coast is known for having weather, I think. In opposition to other places like California. I can't imagine living in constant heat and yuck and discomfort.
Called the doctor, they (at last) picked up, & I was able to reserve a visit to my PCP. Tomorrow, I'll shove off and part with, whatever information he gives me. Really, I'm not all looking forward to it. A more distant relationship with neuroticism doesn't seem all that odd, at least to me. I want to be medicated & feel like a regular human being, to be away from the silly thoughts that make me want to place my brain on my desk just to inspect them like the child of a physicist unscrewng the back of his VTech. Just a bit more focused, just a bit less destructive, just a bit more self-centered & positive, all I ask.
Working on the website was fun and made me feel good towards the end. I'm happy to be working on this. :) Grateful to be.
My hair keeps getting in my eyes and on my forehead ack!!! I'm up late playing Mother 3 with Vinesauce. After the story advances three years, things get real engaging, so I'm giving his stream a break for a different playthrough and... Subspace Emissary! Brawl!! The intro with Kirby & Mario going at one another made me smile soo bright aah I just fawn over it so much. I'd sit in my small room, Wiimote in hand & play online as Jigglypuff, bouncing around and making peace with those who wanted to taunt and play nice over the battle before us. I've held my share of bans in Smash Bros 4 for taunt partying, ahaha. And I've complained about it, too! I'm sure if you locate my Miivese profile, you'll find my very ample complaints. But Sigh! Emissary! I miss it with a zeal. My Wii, oh do I call out for you in the deep of night. One day, dear diary, may we enjoy our game together, and forget about our world.
I wanted to mention something about Kirby's lines.... He makes an "uhp!" and I like it. Makes my brain deposit serotonin.
How're you? I spent an age wandering the grocery store. Incredulous, right? People continue to be as unreal as ever. Almost drove myself to insanity just thinking about it. I still manage to grin, despite it all. :) I vy to exist, alone in my ivy-ridden tower, delivering letters by pidgeon to that faceless calvary fated to rescue me from the only world I've known.
Doctor's didn't work out. We went to the wrong place twice. I feel bad for dragging my nana out like that. I'm happy to have gotten some snacks. Brain gunk was much louder than it needed to be. I hate being so negative!!! It tears me up inside. People are so not real, I wish no one had a face. I never wanna see another face again. That robot at the store with the googly eyes? He's a work of art. I'm gonna play Mother 3 now! Be safe, valentine.
It's late! I spent hours musing with Cherilee over the humanities of euthanasia & the mentally ill. Is it really sensible to leave those well conscious of their commitment and the outcome of their life to toil in a world they feel bears no fruit???? Those whose unbegotten futures dread over them like a moorish sword? Really, what is there to regret, if regret ceases to be bred? I want to know! Maybe as I meet new people, and explore different viewpoints, I can come to a more sound conclusion. I miss being able to talk about reality, and life... Existence and purpose. It was fun. When I was younger I remember kicking my feet into the air and heaving out "life is pain & suffering" and miiindless dribble but as I've gotten older, it's fun to talk about this life we live, its simplicity and complexity, whatever you make of it I guess! Its good to have hope for the future; but you should never let go of your hold on reality. Or, maybe you can. Ignorance is bliss.
(There was an ant and I killed it)
I ate popcorners for the rest of my day & I took out the trash real late into the night, like, maybe an hour ago? The breeze felt good, the sky was as lazy & open. Clouds parted way into the moon and twisted into skinny tufts like a cappuccino. There was no raccoon in the garbage bin,; relieving, to say a little. It let me take in the sky with less haste stepping back to the porch. I feel nice and good, I don't wanna let go of this feeling, and even less do I wanna face the uncertainty of another wake up, but I'm yawning over my keyboard and the threat of an ant is no more, so I will rest my head utop at the stallion's silver mane and ferry to my second life. One Earth hails another; I pray they twine one day.
Do you ever think about how the interests of those you spend time with end up spreading like the plague? I think its neat and endearing. You have a group of people united over one thing, and one person ends up fawning over something else, to the interest of the herd. It's pretty cool & fun. :)
Some of my clothes & accessories came in.
Some rings. One of them ended up getting stuck when I tried fixing it on my index finger. A lot of them are too small for the proximal phalange part ( where your finger starts. Does that have a name? ) so I ended up putting the ones that fit on. Two on my left hand; and three on my right. I might change them, I might take some off, only God knows. All I know is that some of them are kind of cumbersome to keep on, especially when doing dishes. They're pretty sweet though. I feel like a wizard.
Shirts, two chokers (flashier of the two pictured), some chains.
Got a larger chain with smaller chains attached that I hung up on my mirror. It's pretty large, so I figure I'll use it as a fringe for my pants or something.
When I opened the package, I groaned because I thought the fabric would've been cheap and noisy. They were actually comfy and looked nice when I put them on.
There's some more stuff coming, too. A hoodie & a pair of glasses will tumble their way among me soon. Hope they play nice with my face, I've never ordered glasses online before. That's all for now. :) I hope you appreciate the music tonight. Reminds me of the late hours spent roleplaying.
I do not reject thee, self. I do not consider thee inferior, intrinsically. It isn't your fault. Tho, I find it better to be Not me. I'm not young anymore, so I have to come to face myself from time to time, more often than I had. And it's weird, I don't like it when I have to. But, that's why I'm writing, in a sense! To remind myself that I am real(ish).
Endearingly signed, the Claus kinnie
The stinky Undertale liker has finally played Mother 3 to completion, just a few moments ago. I played it in competition with Vinesauce, and amongst my frustration with his one-shotting of bosses and my never ending grinding and resetting I found a video game that made me want to eat myself!!!!!!! The music throughtout it all I couldn't stop thinking, "Toby was crazy for taking Hopes & Dreams and Spider Dance from this." Lot of the battle music was okay, Pokey's motif ended up being my favorite. THIS ONE. Sickening. Bravo, Pokey's orchestral team for composing something befitting of a ~3 hour mecha Gorilla fight. The Smash Bros version of this song goes hard as well. All of my thoughts as of the moment are a 200-piece jigsaw of emotions and fluster, which means its bedtime, I'm looking forward to exploring the plot through Claus & seeing where writing up his character takes me. He's very, very Asriel in the way that he cries over his mom.
"Azzy would've killed himself too if he were old enough." -- What crossed my mind witnessing the ending
Yes, I can put it up in my top 5 favorites. Just as Undertale, I'm sure it will grow on me more like putrid mold as I explore it more.
PS. Those that come across this diary (none, I hope lol) should you want to witness Itoi's magnum opus, Vinny is a childhood favorite of mine. His stream was gracious enough to provide him with most content he'd have missed otherwise, and is pleasant enough background noise for the lulls of the game. As I've said, the music is enough to make you want to gnaw on your knuckles, its silly and squashes at your heart just so.
...What's that? You're feeling bold on this pallid evening, I hear??? Well, don't let me stop you from experiencing for yourself, dear stalker. The translation patch is here, As well as a collection of emulators. I'm sure you can devise the rest.
As I settle for sleep, and prepare to face reality again, I remind myself that I'm grateful to have what I do. To have the opportunity to learn, and to part from the breath of Earth. Whether in short hops or in long leaps. I'm happy & smiley to come back to myself, for these little bits of time. I'll knead the warmth into my words, so that I may feel them again when I need them.
She is the sun the moon the ocean & the stars
I went to work-study today, it was alright. I'm thinking about how awesome the Masked Man is. All throughout Mother 3 you never see him as something other than this immovable force but he breaks at the sound of his mother's voice, delirious to the fact that she's still gone, shaken by a bout of megalomania to act upon hisself; the shame that seeps through his metal heart.
Its not that I feel "entitled" to a relationship! To someone important to someone to listen to I hate talking about this, because it isn't about romance or love at all its about someone of value!! Regardless of who they conjure up as. I keep eating at myself with this idea of "should I wish that the people I vy for the most never manifested into my life at all" because after a point it almost feels like God is trolling!! Like a snail that's been given a taste of a really yummy leaf just to have it swiped away from him, for a minute, then 15, then months years and he never ever knows when that leaf is going to show up in front of him again. He almost never wants to touch it in the first place because after a point he recognizes that this satiable thing is all ever could want but he knows the fragility of the moment at this point. It taunts him so bad. The leaf is there, the leaf WAS there. Its all he could ever want and he hadn't done a thing to even deserve this stupid good thing in his life in the first place, and yet it feels like hell's wrath in the end. The idea of this leaf, its texture its substance, the fact that it changed this poor, hungry snail's perspective on any other thing he could ever ever eat. He doesn't want to look at another meal if it isn't at least in the shape and of the scent of that elucid stupid leaf. It makes him so much more self aware of himself than anyone other snail that he'd met. He feels special and absolutely bedlam in the face of other snails because they just don't know what this is like. He doesn't deserve it. He never did! And yet it daunts over him, the mere prospect dainting above him while he sleeps. Morphing his thoughts. He should've chewed longer, he should've taken in the aroma for just a little longer, he should've prayed over his food, he should've taken his time.
I feel so incredibly shallow & for that I'm sorry I just wish I could be told what I'm doing wrong in writing so that I can just be away from this feeling its. Debilitating & I know I fucking deserve it. If no one went unpunished for their bad then people could walk the streets and commit whatever violence on others' hearts they wanted and still settle in their ottoman hidden away in their cottage home, voicing on and on about the world beyond their world to ears that want for nothing but the voice of their dear. I can't help but rrgh not like (hate is such a passionate word for this) love and the idea of it because it is just so fragile and potent and wrecking in my experience. The heart is a vehicle for this unabashed yet gentle force stronger than electricity and the pressure of the sun and every human being on earth has this welded into them when they're born. Its insatiable! Its ruinous its a terrible, awful thing. Some people go their lives without it and that the thought is chilling. its fucking morbid. little worse is a thought or a wish to dote onto someone. to never experience love but. who knows i so often wish i havent! maybe i'd be smarter, or a marine biologist. love in passion is so much more easy to take than love in others.
AND just objectively speaking there is inherent value in this trait of being a happy little hedonist who frets for nothing you shouldn't ever
quality of yourself. You Are a fun person to be around when you're at your highest & that has been proven time and time and time again and through each of those you've fallen not only through them but through yourself as well. Understand that your energy passes onto others and understand that, just as you would want to spend time with someone energetic, others would want to do the same. It isn't weird or dumb or cringe to exist conscious of reality, but unwavered by it. It's human nature to want to coexist with those that feel good. Its nature to crave energy when you lack it. Its nature to want to party & feel good and just as your emotions empower you during your highs, you have to be aware of them during your lows. Strong bonds require sacrifice and attention, hard work and these traits extend not only to the relationships you hold with others but the relationship you hold with ME.
"Well isn't forcing yourself to be hedonistic & positive a fake trait and won't it shoo people away?" I know you want to be genuine, but you can be earnest with your feelings and fight for your positivity too
barely slept! i can't help but be so overcritical of myself. i don't wish i'd stop more than i wish i'd just be a better, smarter, more sociable and funnier person. i reflect over the interactions i have & it makes me so frustrated that i can't just, at minimum, not do the things i repeat to myself to not do. it's not funny or cool, its just signs of my insecurity & they're very obvious. i'm exhausted. the barrage of criticism is physically mentally spiritually debilitating. i just want to learn or not exist at all :)
Afternoon :) I had a good rest of my day at work. Hopeful for when school starts !!!!!!!!!! I feel like things are gonna go well after a few weeks. I hope so a lot. Getting aquainted with parts of the school is a lot of fun, meeting all the new students coming in to get their pictures taken. I'm still a little awkward, even at my strongest and bestest, but slowly my chemistry will change & I'll acclimate. :) :) :) Things are good, I feel good. I feel good! Despite some yucks with my communication, I feel good.
I'll fix the website during my day off probably :) Today is Thursday so on Saturday
The sound of my voice is so frustrating & makes me want to hurt myself a lot. This morning I was just thinking about that, & as I'm winding down from talking so much today I'm dreading over my inability to talk coherently. I wish so bad that my social skills weren't so destitute over the course of my life that it ended up effecting me to this degree. It sucks revisiting conversations in my mind that I feel others would so easily be able to communicate simpler. Was hoping reading and writing would help me articulate things better when I speak but I feel like my thoughts come out as ruinous as they do when I speak them out. Dyslexia doesn't help either when I'm trying to practice speech on my own. Just makes me sick to my stomach (/3. Its not that I don't like my voice, (I don't like it), but I feel like if I spoke better and wasn't so sporadic and mindless when it came to my emotional responses I'd find at least a tick more tolerance being verbal and by extent my person. I wish I could just be mute the rest of my life.
I had a good time holding & enjoying my dolls today. They're my one & only loves, I want more of them like I had in the past. Wish I could hold Starlight during bedtime but her horn is just so big & it gets in the way of breathing.
I'd rather be
I know I am
I'm aware, but
I am, but
I know I am
I am here
I am here
I am, here.
I know I am
Do I revel in myself?
Exist, to exist or not exist
In a world
Not your world
Everything you do
so against you
who you even are
what even are you
do you live
do you stand
do what's right
Working at school continues to surprise me with how full it makes me feel. My other jobs prior made me feel like SHIT like an outcast. But, this is way different. Way more comfortable than any other job I've had prior. those other jobs i've had feel like strings of bad luck, though. i think i might've been projecting out my fears, that eventually manifested through those jobs and my experiences with them; most other people don't have as bad times with working as i had & from what i've read and heard from those i worked with, they ended up enjoying it. Having something to do is always good! I got my book club book today, but I don't wanna read it until I get multicolor post-its and notebooks (my favorite thing about reading. you should see my books) :) :) :) i signed up for creative writing club, my orientation, as well as had mostly good interactions with people today. I feel like I'm learning among the bedlam that is casual human interaction, and despite not being the best at it I feel a lot better trying. My age still makes me wanna hurl, but right now a little less than usual. I never, ever wanna lose this feeling.
Judas the drama queen loud and negative and doesn't shut up. I used to go outside into the woods at night to lay down but nowadays I'm too scared of bugs and animals and being so fucking annoying that I make the trees want to throw their leaves at me
Gwen is so good. A doll brought to life by the hallowed mist. I think the concept surrounding her are so cool and me. Royalty at its most picturesque, hyperbolic, Disney princessish. "*very blatant,* When I first saw you, dear Gwen, my heart skipped a beat!" "*desensitized to the blatancy; as its a norm for the other ballgoers. is still appreciative of it all,* A lovely sentiment! If that is possible..." I kin only in the sense that I'm so jealous of her lifestyle and less so sitting under the idea that I've been her before. Hope one day I can be printed out into a big picture book, into the role of a loving and yearning little monarch who's never seen the world but one day her doors peeks open and I get to explore the wonderful little land where everything is right and the townspeople love me and what I do all the time and they baker's wife delivers yummy pumpkin bread and quiche and my royal cabal delivers me coloring books and tells me all about the news in town and they allways tell me I'm doing good. We get to host big huge galas and they're organized and play really soft viola and piano and organ and everyone is dressed up in big puffy Victorian style dresses and gaudy suits & they tell me how well I do and how impressed they are with how much work I put in to keep everyone safe and happy and there's really good food like lobster and yummy soup with really really good bread and we all eat at this big table laid out all proper and everyone is nice & not loud or boisterous. things are good and they're allways so good. i get to dress up every single day and smile and sing and feel so good for eternity in my bright lovely kingdom and nothing ever ever goes wrong. I can lay onthe roof at the sky and not have to wrorry about anything bad not even bugs outside I wanna be gwen
> Watching Game of Thrones
> Musing over the gay people on screen talk to one another
> "Oh wow he is handsome" -- uncommon thought
> Character emotes in way that makes me buzz
> Dread collecting in my brain like a cracked dam
Diary page looks a little more dolled up now :) I like it. The painting I picked for the door on the side is the Head of Medusa. The snakes jailed on her head get to snack on her gore trail with all the other hungry bugs, and I think that's sick. I decided to let my mind wander today instead of filling it with noise, and the conversations were maybe the equivalent of a cockfight in an already derelict coop. My mind really likes to do this thing where it lures me with my own fond memories just to hiss at me for being fond of them in the first place. It's yucky. I had another dream about my ex, we were at her dad's; early morning in her room. There was a church bell outside the apartment that would always ring as each hour passed, from 7 AM to 10 or so at night, and it was the prettiest thing to hear. The town they lived in was one of the smallest in Naugatuck, so small you could learn all the people's names. We'd go out for breakfast at a local, really cheep place, sometimes we'd get coffee or whatever she wanted at this nice coffee shop that always had friendly visitors. I'm kind of a coward but, those times felt like a peek at a life I'd always wanted. Haha. It was nice there, we played DnD, we had holidays, we drank funny alcohol with her family, they all rooted for me to get better and I took it all for granted which! Lol but. It happens
Gonna go get a PS5 controller today, if I don't get shanked or robbed along the way!
Despite it all, I am still here. On this earth, and that has to be worth something i hope. You can't know for sure I guess!
I'm definitely getting a little complacent, which, right now I think is a little okay. Definitely need to give social media stuff a break to work on more important things, I see it eating at my time like a mouse to cheese. Oh- yesterday I took a trip to the mall through the bus all on my own, a feat I'm still proud of. I absorbed the trip and had a good time walking around, I bought a controller, some my little pony mechanical pencils, and some post-its that I promptly put in my bookbag. Gonna use those to note up my book club book throughout the semester. I started today while I was at work, but ended up getting anxious that I'd miss a student trying to get my attention. It'd already happened once while I was musing over my phone, hahaha, though, I guess I'll have to get used to it if I wanna keep up with homework during my downtime. I figure I'll take notes on my computer and go through each chapter as I'm finished in writing when I get home. Who's to say I can't use both my laptop, sticky notes, and a notebook? Hoping that I won't be lazy with it; ambition! Discipline!! Plato says for a man to conquer himself is the first and noblest of all victories, and I vy for school to aid me in my trek to build something of myself.
I thought about like praying tonight, to my name, to my guardian archangels. Things seemed to turn out for the better when I stuck to it in the past. I hope the angels can help ease a bit of my fear going into school and the bits of monotony I still have askew in my attic. It gets hard to read when you're scolding yourself over your voice and mannerisms, haha.
The bus! It was a comfort getting to, but going from ended up being an issue. I wasn't all too sure which stop to get on, my phone had been telling me one thing, the stops ended up saying another. After walking between two stops for a while, I went with my gut & stuck to the wrong one till A Bus Came. Was kind of packed, I get anxious not to stand for too long so I took the nearest seat to me. The familiar scenery passing me by as I sat and hoped it would stop downtown which! It didn't. There's a sign near the plaza next to stop & shop and 5 guys that points to downtown which the bus promptly passed. So I reassured myself that if I stayed on for long enough it'd end up circling back to where I needed to go, which, it Didn't. It was headed into Cheshire (could tell by a familar cemetary) and after that point was the highway! Ahaha if ever there was a point for me to spiral into madness. A few stops before it took itself onto the highway I luckily ended up confirming my fears through Maps and pulling the stop string at a random place outside on a busy intersection. A bunch of houses to my east. It was like, out of a nightmare. I'd always been scared of the bus for things like this; getting lost without any money to get home or anything, and that bus was getting ready to take me to New Haven!!!! urhhgh so, I called my nana, she didn't pick up, I (begrudgingly) called mom, she didn't answer until I texted her. I told her what was up, she was frustrated with me, but ended up lending me the money to get an Uber home. To say I was shaken would be a sin of an understatement I wanted to cry and. Maybe that just means I'm a bit immature, whatever! Maybe I'm supposed to be a measure stronger & more capable as a man or something or other. It's embarrassing that I don't act my age (barf), but, I guess I'm very lucky to be born when I was and all that. Maybe next time though, God, you can reincarnate me as a cookiecutter shark. I know you messed up on the human being assembly line with me n all but cut me some slack next time will ya! I'll be asking for a refund when I get up there, just letting you know.
I've got Goro Akechi rung on my bookbag and a spiked choker around my neck if this isn't me announcing "aspiring Earth killer" with a 50 watt megaphone during today's school orientation i really don't know what is
Its bizarre how well one perform at their highest. Its weird... One doesn't stutter, One doesn't trip over words as frequent. Engaging, sporadic...An inflection carrying weight as you'd speak with some verbose confidence out of nowhere. Its strange, It feels strange. It carries over into action, flowing into flow a seperate human being, one that I can't help but wish to watch over like a hawk in the sky. Its a nice place to be, physically, emotionally. While I don't think it carries as strongly with those I'm just getting to know or, don't know at all, it's at least something. It gives me the confidence of old to want to go up to people and chat. My anxieties drain away as if they never were there at all.
i'm sleepy, but i had fun today. from early into the morning, till just an hour ago, its been a constant buzz of things to do and sights to see. never better have i felt about being one of the first to have experiences in the school before other students; it makes me feel a little special. work-study is fun. i was told that students tend not to apply for one until their sophmore year of college. (just almost passed out but i ordered wings & fries) this job absolutely inflates my ego like an air balloon-- which i'm cautiously optimistic about? it feels good to be thanked for doing things as simple as transferring others to where they need to go, or helping people with their computer issues. it feels really nice? like, a hug? i just don't know what i did to deserve this, really and truely. so many more people put themselves through much worse strife than i have. i'm having fun at a job, i'm happy at school, i'm proud of myself for reading and taking the initiative to find the bus each morning and after work, but do i really deserve to exist in comfort and get paid for it too?? i get smiles from the people working at other offices, to which i smile back. complements from the committee on my funny stupid chokers (some of them are ancient) and outfits and the way that i conduct myself?? i was told i should apply for the student body by one of the kids that worked it because of how outgoing i was. made me infinitely bashful forever and ever
i mean who knows!!! maybe i'll get peer pressured to join it and maybe i'll become a some person. people say my name a lot, its really nice. if i could project my ego out from my body just to rotate it, i would.
people seem to like me. :) people. seeem to like me
i'm falling asleep at my keyboard, i only got 5 hours of sleep last night because of how late i got home aah,
please wish me well
While people haven't become any more real to me, being around others has made it easier to identify specific quirks in others' personalities that I've been otherwise projecting hyperrealistically in my mind. now, i bear witness to many personalities; its nice to know what to avoid in myself, as preference. As I take note of stuff like this, I wonder why I do it? Why, really I should avoid it? Is it because its an objectively bad trait, or is it something that I feel is bad in my head? Is it something that I feel others won't like? Or is it something that only I don't? i used to do this through people on youtube but, now its a lot more obvious because its the real life real world and all. i almost fell in love with my personality today & yesterday (can you believe it??) i could be a bit braver, but i'm not as... blatant about my reclusiveness around others as i thought i was. it's strange, some people will go their whole lives being social and still be very awkward. others have the same experience, and're not awkward at all. i wonder what separates the two? i've always thought that the more experiences you have with others consistently, the more natural you are in conversation, but """all humans are different""" as it were.
Judas is applying for the student body, isn't that exciting? I need 50 signatures and I've already got ample from working front desk. Asking for more during classes sounded like a good conversation piece to me. (he has a deathly fear of theater kids)
School starts on the 29th :)
Of course, if I could snap my fingers and surround myself with others online and a friends list full of people that enjoy my company I would do it in an instant but, people, just like everything else, require its own magic. I wish I could say that I find comfort in the times I'm alone but it sucks that I don't. I hate my human form and my ego, I think they're meaningless and dumb, I float around in space as a machine attached to a series of tubes in a ship with one bright red infared scanner and a speaker device to project my hollow, AI voice, I'm designated to do menial tasks around the hull of the ship & while on paper it seems an important and haughty role, the reality is I'm just here, fixing the occasional redirect, cleaning the now-and-later trash chute leak. and my co-workers always gab about how impressive my designation is... "but if they could spectate for a day," i sigh, fawning over machinekind with the humble repair-bot, tuned an inflect of sarcasm in its beeps & clicks.
Devoid of emotion, in truth, we all are. And we don't mind, we don't have the business to mind. The awareness to know, to vy, to miss it. Dutiful machines, in space. aware just enough to mend problems beyond the anticipation of our code, learning just enough to be ever comfortable with our parts, for eternity, without a hint of curiousity for something more. Oblivious to life, as to us, there is none, and that is okay.
Friends would be cool, maybe its just late and I've got nothing to do. (not enough energy to work on the website, can't go to sleep because there's company at the house making noise) but maybe someday the angels will throw me a bone just for the sake of it & let me have some people to partake in silly things with. There's not much better in the world than spending time with people you care about, and people who care about you back whether its one person or a few. its good to treasure those moments, take pictures and write down how you felt in those times, scrapbook them in the finest halls of your mind & preserve them for times to come; those times come as soon as they leave.
i'd probably be less inclined to dote over this if i wasn't such a hound for how it made me feel and how much time i've spent documenting and lamenting my time with friends/partners ahaha. no one's fault but my own! bbbbbbbbbb
I am a very stupid human being and the reason why I am is because i've gone through such a long period just like not around other people (in order to learn the general etiquette of dwellers of certain internet spaces. things have changed since i've really been involved in circles, which is why i'm so anxious about what i'm going to talk about in the next paragraph. sincerely, judas proofreading this entry from the future) but I wonder if this is some sort of excuse that i'm conjuring in myself or something. i was watching over my stream & i realized how stupid i often sound because my personality and my eloquence are vinegar and oil. fixing this would mean shutting up and putting a cap on my expressiveness & being more reserved which, generally i do around others, but when i get more comfortable i like to get excited and vocalize through my actions, which in turn motivates me to get excited and its frustrating! fixing it would mean matching my eloquence with my energy, which is something that people naturally do around groups of friends, and suppressing it would mean catching my excitement as it grows which i'm not quite sure i want to do. i like acting out, its a good feeling when i'm comfortable & i never ever get to do it. but for the sake of not being an annoying person to be around and not sound like an oblivious idiot loser i think i'll try to settle on the latter? ?? ?????
it feels almost unfair in a way, but I'm happy at least that i can try to catch myself when i'm falling into desperation traps. the internet sucks a lot and i hate everything about people on it. self-conscious mentally ill loner types grasping onto people they feel they can trust with their feelings, their money, their personal things, their livelihoods just to get used & treated like a dog. it makes me wanna tear my hair out. heirarchy people subconsciously create in their minds and class the people they associate with, lying and manipulating and doing things with the people they call friends that they wouldn't in a lifetime do with others haha its like sickening. i hope those people genuinely rot with disease unironically. i hope they realize just how boring they are.
Reading over my diary is so yuck!! ill proofread more
I'm a bit nervous but if I don't burn away from some random forest fire I'll be at school for real in a few hours!!!!!!!!!!! aha hahaahahha hahaha ill tell you all about it maybe
That night I scrawled my letter. "To the highest echelon of Heaven!" I cried before its gates. A request for all of his kingdom & all of his men, from hither to thither, a request for their honor, to stand at my side betwixt hi and low, if only for an eve. And a letter it was. A ticket of hope best teared by the heart of a forgiven sinner. Not refering to myself! I'm a good boy.
So the powers-that-be really enjoy a game!!!! They do. School is definitely something else. I've been going into this with the thesis "I am not going to be the same holed up person that I was in high school" and it is-- sort of working? Maybe it is? It's a question for past me to answer, but things are way different than what I'd been like anticipating. I always stand by the idea that adversity opens avenues but in truth I don't feel like I've done anything deserving of what I've been given going to school so far, right? I've spent my time evaluating my character and going through my period of loneliness after my break-up, trying to learn from my bad but people have gone through worse and been dealt worse hands so? I guess I don't really get it. And I'm not worried about other hands and other fates and other whatever because truly I can't look into a glass and peer into their lives but I guess I just Fear a little bit that things won't STAY this way, or something intrinsic to this whole experience won't STICK, due to things out of my power.
I Will say that I'm really proud of my ability to communicate. I knew I had it in me, it just took a little while to sort through the junk and find it. It's there, and when God was making me in the Sims creator I think he gave me a quirk that makes it easier on me to be a leader when it calls for it, so that's like nice to have I guess. Its something nice that I appreciate having if its even real. In retrospect its been prominent in the past, shining brightest when I was host of my high schools art club and now I'm applying to be a member of the student body which! Whoa! I already have a shit-ton of signatures JUST from working at the front desk so like wow y'know. I'm blessed to have two very good and smart friends that I made working there, by the way. He took my picture when I went to go get my Student ID ages ago and now we're good friends. He's been in school for a while & been on the student body for a bit but never went for any positions higher than what he'd already gotten. A little awkward, but he's very social (he likes talking to girls or something) (I'd feel so bad if my diary got leaked to my school or some shit maybe don't let that happen). He's traditionalist when it comes to his religion; I don't relate but he seems to like it so, I let him talk about it to me when he feels so inclined, ususally at the bus stop. Sometimes I engage with him and talk about my own experience with angels & archangels & the arcane but he HATES it hahaha. We have english together, its all fun.
The next, a shyer girl, but she knows ample when it comes to school and the parts of it. Her side of the desk is splayed with colored sticky notes written neatly, and her notebooks are labelled and plenty with notes already. It took a little while longer for us to get along better. One long night we had a parlay of students attending an orientation, and last minute we were told by our supervisor that they'd all be stopping by our desk to get their questions in and their IDs printed. To both of our surprises. The two of us spent an hour brainstorming ideas on how we'd fit and help every kid, as we only had one camera and one computer to input data into, and with the registration office closed there wasn't a way for any of them to print out what they'd Needed in order for us to look up their banner numbers. We'd settled on scrambling together a notice in paint about how to pull those numbers up on the computer but alas; in came one, and another, and a posse more, until out was the touring crowd informed that they'd be getting their instances taken care of; a pointing finger directed by a tour host right into our already huffy office. Us, exhausted in stress. We scurried roles. I'd take the crowd by their reigns and direct them through the process of getting an ID, while she clacked away, taking the info and getting it printed. It went on near closing, until the storm had drawn its partition. She thanked me, not knowing what she'd do if she had to handle all of that on her own.
I'm happy to have these two as my first college friends. They were both on the student body for a time and I was encouraged to try through them. The little moments where our friendship had grown is something I don't ever wanna forget. :)
My classes are a trip haha
My theater class is partially Fear. Some of the students I made my way to associate with are kind of shitty people. Two in particular; one of them is taking the class because he has to and the other likes theater but like snickers at people that speak up in the class and its like shut the fuck up y'know??? I offered them gum :). Professor was trying to engage the class with what theater Was, and as we got into a discussion about if theatre is still theatre if its recorded, I said No because if its a stagnant camera with no cuts there really isn't much difference than sitting in the crowd live, and this one behind me well actually nerdfaced me about how wrong i was like ok! girl! she was really insecure about her knowledge of theatre, the both of them really seemed it. but I hate people that laugh at others I'm sorry. Especially in a fucking theatre class where people are trying to Get Over their anxieties like be nice. some of my classmates carry over into other classes so I'd made aquaintences with them.
i have an acting class which takes place in the same room 15 mins after my theatre class. its cool! The teacher is very learned as he's been doing what he does for 17 years. it was a lot more comfortable and open in there, my only dread in both of those classes was i was hoping no one else had taken or done much theatre stuff prior to the classes cuz it feels like they have a leg up and I'm pretty self conscious that i didn't do any theatre in middle or high school but its like fine. i kind of made friends with all of them or at least like had positive interactions with them so we're all good. we did introductions in that class where we stood up and said what was on our minds before belting our favorite ice cream flavor (i said gelato as a lie) and one of the more adept theatre persons said that they liked how outward my opening was. we take the same english class! i made a lot of friends. :)
i still go to work so every now and again i return there after my classes to work & go back. uhh the only class I don't like is my first year experience because the teacher teaches like we're in fucking detention and the students all seem like some bitches i'd go to high school with like the ones that'd make fun of me. so yea i draw in that class.
I got hit on my first day by a really cute goth guy!! and i hit him back with a 18 wheeler truck I hope this was comprehensable. School is not bad! good night
Happy september :) The boy I liked ended up being a bit more brash and a bit more mature than I liked. he drives his own car and's been to new york all on his own and is pretty loud. i guess they say the prettiest ones always end up being the dumbest hahaha haahahahaha. that's mean and I'm sorry! i was helping him do an application as it is my job, and i can tell he was putting on a show being oblivious in order to make me laugh; it was funny the first few times but then it ended up kind of not being that. today after english my theater friend and my work-study friend and i went to bingo, it was a lot of fun and really loud i fucking loved it and got so into it. we sat at an SGA-oriented table and a work-desk friend was there, as well as my friend's girlfriend who hates me i think. it was exciting and i ended up winning the last bingo game of the night!! i won an amazon gift card (3 i got on the bus late tonight and was scared for my life lol!!! the boy that i used to like and another person i think is neat both have the same name, so lol that made me laugh. things are definitely difffent than high school, i feel like my body has this impulsivity to stand up for something i missed. aah also, i'm happy that my public speaking course doesnt seem to have anyone that would pick on me! i talked 2 my teacher after class about how i loved public speaking and how i did it since high school and art club and she seemed really happy for my intrigue. poggers gn
You do Not want to here from me right now hahaahaa. what's been rampant in my mind is how much i don't feel i deserve Love! like fond, intrinsic, relationship love. and i hate thinking about it, i do. its an awful plague, how my mind gnaws on emotions more than logic, more than the workings of the world and the mechanics of how things work, or what makes up a book. i'm tuned to the note of people and their feelings, how they percieve me, how they percieve others, how real or how fake the humans are that act out their days. its vile shit, i hate this empathic feeling so roaring in my ears. when i used to converse with an old ex i used to tell them that people are granted one of two pleasantries: a loving group of friends, or a caring and loving relationship with another, and the world does not grant you both. i would be remiss to continue that belief but it still faintly haunts me and it deplores me. i wish i could eradicate these natal thoughts of love, of doting over another. i wish i could live heedless to the concept of love. i wish i could live in disregard to beautiful minds and attractive charisma and attitude. i hate it! i hate that i vy for it. i feel terribly greedy to ask as i know i'm not ready, and i'm already well grateful for the bounty of interaction and friends and grounds to examine and test myself & my interactive skills in an abundance of scenes. though i could be better; more ironic.
dream a dream.
Yeah, I mean-- I'm definitely missing an umpteenth layer of irony that some people have. & its not because I'm trying to avoid being cringe (in part it kind of is but. whatever) but instead its because i feel it'd just make me more comfortable with myself. i feel like you graduate from this conveyance you have when youre younger to a more mature, ironic one when you're older; and there indeed just isn't something that's sticking with me. since ive wanted to study it i've alwayss seen it as a shield against those who're more genuine, or less versed in humor & cliques. its a wall forged against insecurity, for insecure people! i just have notes & notes trying to solve what forges this sense of self and what makes it come out so naturally for some. experience is the forge irony is the hammer is the conclusion i'd come to. it's only been just a little while but dunno, i fon't feel much change when i compare my irony and humor to those i admire and their humor. it makes me think that it isn't just experience but the space in which you experience it, the mass at which you experience it. its a clique thing, i hate to think. but, indeed, those who you spend time with, they affect your perception, the way you carry yourself and your chemistry. maybe i've looked but not looked enough, you know? i understand its mega cringe, whatever. a lot of my time i spent doing nothing was dedicated to figuring out what it was i was doing wrong, why i cascaded on about myself in conversation, why i fell flat in them. ironically, the funnier folk are smarter & more self aware than most. they're very lucky to have their friends & their humor. it makes me think they're unshakable. i think its like. a lot of people that spend a lot of time playing league or valo or just do shit in general online & don't go out much? in my experience its like those are the people that horde all of the irony and whatever. i hate the internet and everyone honestly! i hate people's brains & if i can't understand something then no one should be able to do or know it more than me. kill urself @reader
whenever i think about this i think about how morbid being online is! i think about how fragile my own ego is, which is why i vy for the same sort of defense mechanism that they have. ok. yea
mayb ill go on funny pony.town and wrest notes from ppl. i met one pony who is tragically ironic but i still fail to unmderstand her humor & sense of self
Just got done watching Evangelion and.......... yea. never saying the words "i love you" or talking about it ever again. pure unadulterated hatred for the planet & humans & god for gracing us the primal urge to seek affection from literally the most putrid fking creature on the planet
Lately I've been dreading the thought of death being mute. I keep hearing themes of it and it makes me wonder if death is only certain to those who choose it to be. If someone were to die all of a sudden, would they go to heaven if they believed they would? Would their soul pass into another body if they assumed they'd be reincarated? Would they go to hell if they wanted to go to hell? If that's the case then? Are there really any rules? If there aren't then what really is stopping us all from migrating to a world made for us? Uncertainty?? If the doors that seal off hell are always open, then what stops us from leaving? Friends, family, people close, but what if we all held hands and prayed to go to the same place together? Wouldn't our souls meet on the other side?
its raining!!!!! good night
I like to think that we as people have qualities knitted into us as we're born that makes us unique; we're given special properties, like super powers. Some of us have natural affinities to doing things that others couldn't ever see themselves doing in a lifetime, and its very special. No one is Not unique, in that regard. Its what we do with these affinities and the volume at which we persue them that makes the difference in some more than others. Being around others that share your passion and love for whatever it is that you do circumvents a cycle of infinite love. A body working in tandem to fulfill individual goals united in one system, their own sparks of passion kept to only one anymore but to many.
I looked through my earlier pages and the words uttered were: "I have Got to get it together."
I know its a fleeting thought as all thoughts are but really being so critical of myself what does it do other than the bad stuff? I think about the most blatant parts of me; the times where I allowed myself to be myself and not critical of every bit and bob and fault I made and what came of it other than good and the energy that i wanted? maybe the reason why i /cannot/ change is because i'm not /supposed/ to; because the energy that i give attracts the energy that i vy for. maybe i shouldn't try not to be me (duh! obviously judas!!)
it was sweet
what we shared
the thoughts we cared
oh, what we'd come up from
things were so
a baby rocks
one of love
the stars above
oh, what did they make, of us
faultless weren't we?
a mess of plight and fault and fleas
dotted up, tore up our minds
begotten to uncertainty
now look at who we are
a mirror and a star
what does come
of the souls that hum
atop those long-gone walls?
I feel a bit guilty; to dump terrible words into you and leave you to collect dust like you were nothing at all. You are something, you mean an amount to me. Devices in literature and archetypes of characters that reside in fiction are so prevalent in what makes us as humans. I vy to be normal, normalcy looks to me like how many others are able to act out of habit and retain information and let it to others with demure. There is a divide in people. Those that stuggle to exist and perform to the ability that most others are able to on a communal level often are outcast from the table of high kings and lords, outcast from the gaggle of jesters and courtsmen, shooed from the walks of tax collectors, the commons. The decrepit, too, disallow them. A husk, if you could even call it that. What would you call it? A being that rejects its form and curses its breath? That dresses among them, walks as they do, attempts as it could on every day, every minute and second to talk and exist as they do, and yet God swipes its ladder made of blood and tears from underneath its legs. What would you make of it, the selfish beast. The aimless brat that misplaces its resolve and grasps so darlingly, so plushly at the sweet that hangs promptly above its nose. A taste only it knows, next to the ensemble of animals that roam free the streets, jaws aglaze with its delicacy. One only a creature given once could never recover. What, of love I ask, does one do? Cept be toyed so morosely, so laughably. Till it balls itself and passes away. What does it do? Cept forgive itself from the glare and agape mouth of normalcy. Its laugh that echoes and screeches to no end. Till it balls itself and passes away.
What he chooses to bear
In lavender and silk
Laying silent his voice
The melody of its empty lines, its nothing verses.
sheets, endless sheets, to be played alone
As in an orchestra, it lies silent
The thunder of a piano's strings.
To no thorax.
who, in your honesty.
would search, fondly, i'm sure.
for its cloy. if one would deem it.
Acting is the ability to own oneself. To be able to put away your so-accustomed face, for none at all. If you cannot be real, how are you expected to put on the realness of someone else? Admitting to yourself, its terrible shame, is an eye into the mind of someone who acts with realness, purpose, genunineness. To be real in front of many, a spotlight and a stage. Anyone can place their face behind the brush to do something drastic, but it is brave to remove yourself from that face, to look the world back, in its eyes. To look humanity in its eyes, its uncanny eyes that love for nothing and hate for nothing, and speak, and rise, and shake, and cry, unabashedly. Wholly. To be real, is a thought that passes through the strength of the stage society's eyes. To be unrelenting in your resolve. To be brillant, and real. If not with your friends, then in certain, not with a stage. i understand. humans are roaring figures. beasts of creation, in the image of god.
i do hope you care, upon ears that hear. i will be bereft of it anyways else, as my feelings desperately hurt thouse i affect deeply of.
i won't bring myself to love. i want to live in this world. the end of our short, dear lives decided on a stage, at the end of a long, arduous, very abstract play detailed with the dement of our minds, our feelings and how they've torn into us. the beast they've made us, augmented to worsen as we partake more in each other. the audience is exhausted, their minds numb, but under theatre's permissive spell. what lives on stage is fiction to the reality of the box's seats, as it has always been. we, as the play draws to its end, the leads at last show their faces. two nothing stageplayers to the eyes under. it is us, the playwright and its spouse, names only to be known when the curtains draw themselves to a close, or not to be known at all. and they stand, as the music plays at this tired, tired play. their faces, wilted with the exhaust of a thousand lives and its thousand buckles. the dramatic, drawing clack of the prop they hold in each of their right hands; they do nothing but stand side-by-side one another, fingers untwined with each others'. the music lets, amen sings the choir, a crack center-stage follows the settling sound. the stage floor takes the actors' weight, a delight of red and bits of what once made humans. the audience is unmoved. the curtains draw themselves; no applause follows footsteps that exit the play. another horrid conjectural piece. the small theatre is closed, the actors lie still.
i'm so grateful for what i've been given. i am and i hope he knows well. i don't understand the atrocities of my mind and the barrier that puts itself in front of my interactions with anyone. i am a horror and i only wish to understand why he elates himself to see me toil and hurt and writhe at my ineptitude. i pray for understanding. i pray for forgiveness, so that i may finally live normally among humans. elsewise, may i be locked in a bedlam till i rot and starve
I pray I can repair my mind in time! I have organized all my passions & desires. right now, i feel like i want nothing more than to be a librarian and to get my english degree. if i can achieve that, then i will have the world at my fingertips. i will have achieved my end, very happily.
maybe if i tell myself that i can speak, ill be able to make sense all of a sudden like magic. but i think i am just way too aware of myself, and its annoying. really frustrating. more frustrated at the result of my ineptitude than i am about the fact that i feel incapable in the moment of it. being aware of myself is a disease! and at this point i just want to say i have a social anxiety disorder and be done with it as opposed to trying to change feeling i am failing :) mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
I enjoy good omens
One often has to keep oneself from deleting earlier pages of ones diary out of debilitating feeling, t fact of the matter is, I am stronger in not deleting them than I would be in deleting them. I know which sections are short-sighted, I know which paragraphs are overzealous & overexcitable, the fact that I am conscious of it is enough. They will stay, I will cringe till my eyes shut for good, and the words carry less gravity than they did when they were written. I will not try and artsy my human experience (Sylvia Plath, too, was 'cringe', if you remove the flower ornamented in her poetry's locks), as this is my diary, and I am this neurotic, and try as I might to change this aspect of myself, it has not left, and will not leave. It is a reminder that I exist on Earth, that I am wretchedly, painfully, gut-rippingly still here.
two bouts today, of the older folks (25 and older) announcing their age to a group, and two bouts today, of a crowd gasping and retracting their noses back in horror? malice? a word stronger than surprise. it would make one feel less desperate to compensate and apologize for their own age, a child in comparison.
theatre was founded upon the concept of putting public things that would otherwise be known private. an actor must put themself in a mindset askew from what is normally known to adapt to such a concept. it is much different from film. much more real; intimate. theatre is to reading as baking is to cooking.
I have earned my hibernation for the weekend. I cannot be more proud of myself. Today, I hope, is burned to my memory till my dying days. Friends that care mean so much more to me than any relationship could. Thank you, o lord.
it is a bit difficult to live for oneself. tho, i feel it is what calls to me. anyone would want to be consistent and predictable. not jelly and faltering. i am okay on my own as i have to be. is that giving up? i'm not sure. i'm not sure. i hate my age a lot. i hope i die in my sleep tonight. it would mean a lot to me; my final wish as a body that simply takes and takes from a letting Earth. fuck
You fail to find the words... As, there are no words at all.
You fail to find the words... As, there are no words at all.